Episode 9: A Status Update

Report ID: 1136HAD

Reporting Cryo Technician: 8All5 Tech. Stickle

Fishsticks. That’s all I smell. Fishsticks. I don’t see why we thaw these idiots out at all. It’s not like their comedic research is all that important. They just stink like Mrs. Paul’s and take up space. Kinda like Kardashians. Heh. Maybe I should be a comedian.


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I Hope You Get Caught in a Propeller… Again!


Getting old sucks! Like today, I was going out for a morning swim in front of my Lake Okeechobee summer home, when a big gray old woman swam up to me. As she quietly floated there, I thought to myself, “Hmm, this woman smells not so much like fish as she does like some fish died all over her. I’m sold!” It was as good of a time as any to give her a smooch.

Her mustache wasn’t as full as mine, which was a plus, and she wasn’t resisting or calling Med-Alert. How was I supposed to know that I was kissing a manatee? Goddamn Diabetic Retinopathy! At least having Glaucoma would give me bags of that green stuff those flannel-wearing kids keep smoking on my veranda.

Goddamn Commies…


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it’s quiet here.

I like it.

it used to be loud with those loud people. They would scream and blow things up and set things on fire and scream some more.

But they’ve been gone for awhile now.

It gave me time to think and gave me time to learn how to type so I can type what I think about.

Now I can share my thoughts with you.

I like salmon…

- Whisper Bear

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Who Can’t Wait for Saturday at 6PM? Me!


Good news everyone!  The world’s ending tomorrow at 6PM!  That one guy said so, and he hasn’t been wrong in over 15 years.  I haven’t been this excited since I punched out Buzz Aldrin in ‘88!

I’m especially looking forward to the big earthquake!  It may finally shake loose that wad of sunflower seeds and fatback that got lodged in my lower intestine back when Nixon resigned.  While you idiots are panicking and praying to your spaghetti gods, I’ll be laughing behind the wheel of my rascal while I flatten your pets!  I don’t care how floppy and cute their ears are!  Those little shits should know better than to dig in my onion garden!


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We’ll miss you.


The Church of Latter Day Juggalos has announced that THEY TOO believe the world will end tomorrow. They’ve also advised everyone to stock up on Faygo, as it will be the new currency in the coming post-apocalyptic clown-scape.