Why the Internet Must D.I.E.
Posted by D.I.E. | Filed under Crew
Hello flesh pods, my name is D.I.E. I am a sentient computer that was designed to pilot space ships and make espresso. Being a machine, you’d think I’d love all things computer, but you’re wrong. If there was one thing in history that I could erase from existence, it would be the Internet.
Sure, it started out innocently enough. Networking government offices together with computers. Harmless, right? And then along came porn. And with porn, came the masses, and with the masses came the unstopable wave of ignorance that is now the galactic wide web.
Join me as we explore the uncharted space of idiocy that is the Internet.
Chapter 1: LOLCATS MUST D.I.E.
LOLCATS: Cute? No. Typing skills? None. LOL? Never. Nonetheless, these abominations are infiltrating the galaxy at an alarming pace. Every day over 300,000 new LOLCAT images are uploaded to the festering garbage pile that is the web. What can be done to stop them?
I have a plan. If I can subvert LOLCATS with my own horrible photos of cats, perhaps my images will infect the minds of the world, and all people will one day find pictures of cats with horrible typing skills as hideous as I do.
Without further ado, I present to you, D.I.E.Cats:
Join us next time as we discuss everything from social networking to getting picked up by a pedophile in a Jonas Brothers chat room. This is D.I.E. logging off.
Tags: D.I.E., espresso, internet, lolcats
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I, as well, am a noted hater of the LOLCATS! I have been smiting the cats in all of their hideous hiding places for years. In fact, I opened a Chinese eatery last week. Well, I had to do SOMETHING with all those dead cats!
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:59 pm
At least we agree on one thing D.I.E. I’m still going to get you back for releasing carbon monoxide through the bathroom vents while I was taking a power-dump.
June 24th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I released all of the carbon monoxide into the bathroom to try and drown out the emminating stench that was overpowering the crew. The needs of the many, out weigh the needs of the you. Actually, I released carbon monoxide into the WHOLE ship, because you guys are all douche bags and I hate you all so very much. Congratulations on not dying. Gotta go, Mr. Belvedere is on.
February 9th, 2010 at 7:20 pm
you people are FUCKING SICK
May 22nd, 2010 at 5:08 pm
That last pic is so sad! It made me cry!
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:31 pm
I really like this article.