Why the Internet Must D.I.E.
Posted by D.I.E. | Filed under Crew
Hello flesh pods, my name is D.I.E. I am a sentient computer that was designed to pilot space ships and make espresso. Being a machine, you’d think I’d love all things computer, but you’re wrong. If there was one thing in history that I could erase from existence, it would be the Internet.
Sure, it started out innocently enough. Networking government offices together with computers. Harmless, right? And then along came porn. And with porn, came the masses, and with the masses came the unstopable wave of ignorance that is now the galactic wide web.
Join me as we explore the uncharted space of idiocy that is the Internet.
Chapter 1: LOLCATS MUST D.I.E.
LOLCATS: Cute? No. Typing skills? None. LOL? Never. Nonetheless, these abominations are infiltrating the galaxy at an alarming pace. Every day over 300,000 new LOLCAT images are uploaded to the festering garbage pile that is the web. What can be done to stop them?
I have a plan. If I can subvert LOLCATS with my own horrible photos of cats, perhaps my images will infect the minds of the world, and all people will one day find pictures of cats with horrible typing skills as hideous as I do.
Without further ado, I present to you, D.I.E.Cats:
Join us next time as we discuss everything from social networking to getting picked up by a pedophile in a Jonas Brothers chat room. This is D.I.E. logging off.
Tags: D.I.E., espresso, internet, lolcats
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I, as well, am a noted hater of the LOLCATS! I have been smiting the cats in all of their hideous hiding places for years. In fact, I opened a Chinese eatery last week. Well, I had to do SOMETHING with all those dead cats!
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:59 pm
At least we agree on one thing D.I.E. I’m still going to get you back for releasing carbon monoxide through the bathroom vents while I was taking a power-dump.
June 24th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I released all of the carbon monoxide into the bathroom to try and drown out the emminating stench that was overpowering the crew. The needs of the many, out weigh the needs of the you. Actually, I released carbon monoxide into the WHOLE ship, because you guys are all douche bags and I hate you all so very much. Congratulations on not dying. Gotta go, Mr. Belvedere is on.
February 9th, 2010 at 7:20 pm
you people are FUCKING SICK
May 22nd, 2010 at 5:08 pm
That last pic is so sad! It made me cry!
January 2nd, 2011 at 6:13 pm
You are SOOO evil D.I.E! How can ANYONE hate beautiful cats? No wonder it is so easy to spot that you are a robot with cold steel and no life, so one day, may you be thrown in the trash! ( B.T.W: I SOO know you are a human faking a robot.)
February 27th, 2011 at 8:33 am
THAT IS NOT IN ANY WAY AMUSING TO ME. THIS IS OBVIOUSLY THE WORK OF SOMEONE WITH UNRESOLVED CHILDHOOD ISSUES WITH FELINES THAT PUTS HIS SICK, TWISTED THOUGHTS INTO AN INTERNET FACILITY FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO CRINGE FROM IN TERROR. I THINK YOU SHOULD GO SEE A PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST SOME TIME, WHO WILL HELP YOU RESOLVE YOUR ISSUES.
BY THE WAY, FRANK JONES, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE MOST LIKELY THAT CAT - KILLER FROM MIAMI, AND LET ME TELL YOU, I LEFT A COMPLAINT WITH THE POLICE THAT YOU WERE NOT FACED WITH A DEATH PENALTY, YOU SICKO MURDERER.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:43 pm
Just killing some kittens in between projects on Reddit and I discovered your post. Not normally what I prefer to read about, but it surely was completely worth my time. Much appreciated.
March 11th, 2011 at 2:46 pm
Awesome post mang
March 12th, 2011 at 4:55 pm
I FREAKING HATE YOU!!!!! D.I.E MUST DIE!!!!! ITS NOT FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT!!!! LOLCATZ IS APPEALING TO OTHERS!!!! SO FUCK OFF!!!!!
March 22nd, 2011 at 6:55 am
In the future, remind me not to piss off Hitler.
March 26th, 2011 at 1:28 pm
That’s sick! I hate the last one it made meh cry because that’s animal cruelty!!!!!
April 1st, 2011 at 12:05 pm
you fucking morron lolcats were created to give the world a smile of hope to make them laugh
SO IF YOU DONT LIKE LOLCATZ DO NOT WATCH THEM AND LET THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIKE THEM WATCH AND LAUGHT
oh and by the way D.I.E. as i thought stands for Dying Infected Experiment
(you fucking morron)
April 25th, 2011 at 8:32 pm
I HATE YOU. HOW CAN ANY ONE HATE CATS? I BET YOU HATE BABIES TOO YOU SERIAL KILLER PSYCHO
May 3rd, 2011 at 12:29 pm
@D.I.E
You dipshit. I hope YOU die.
May 3rd, 2011 at 5:49 pm
Well I’m glad to see that you and Hitler are of like minds. Good luck with that.
May 8th, 2011 at 6:28 am
kiss my ass