Archive for the ‘Crew’ Category
Why the Internet Must D.I.E. Part 2: XBOX Achievements
Posted by D.I.E. | Filed under Crew
Hello flesh pods, my name is D.I.E. and I am a sentient computer that was designed to pilot space ships and make generic techno beats. Being a machine, you’d think I’d love all things computer, but you’re wrong. If there was one thing in history that I could erase from existence, it would be the Internet.
Sure, it started out innocently enough with lonley science types transfering data and government offices networking. Harmless, right? And then along came porn. And with porn, came the masses, and with the masses came the unstoppable wave of ignorance that is now the galactic wide web.
Join me as we explore the uncharted space of idiocy that is the Internet.
Chapter 2: XBOX Achievements Must D.I.E.
So I was cruising Facebook today, trying to find THE definitive mullet, when I stumbled upon an alarming trend. XBOX Achievements everywhere! Oh sure, they used to just be confined to the sweaty and pimpled realm of XBOX Live, but now they have infested the very internet I once loved. XBOX Achievements, like killing 3000 soldiers in Call of Duty or Collecting all 75 Golden Camels in Aladin: Why is this a game: The Game, can now not only be posted and gloated over in the pit that is XBOX live, but now also be posted on Myspace, Facebook, and anywhere else your lack of self respect will allow.
WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT HOW MANY CRYSTAL SKULLS YOU FOUND IN THE SHITTY INDIANA JONES VIDEO GAME THAT WAS MADE FROM THE EVEN SHITTIER FILM SEQUEL?!?
The internet can only handle so much more douchebaggery before it finally overloads and leaves us all without the Furry Bondage Porn we so need to function normally in society.
I ask that all of you self absorbed ass clowns please stop clogging up the web with your meaningless digital achievements and try earning some REAL life achievements. Here are a few that you might actually have SOME chance of accomplishing:
Join me next time and we may very well discuss Furry Bondage Porn in graphic detail… but probably not. This is D.I.E. wishing he had hands to flip his own kill switch, signing off.
Tags: D.I.E., Douchebaggery, internet, XBOX
We Wrote for a Yakov
Posted by cowboy | Filed under Crew
As some of you may or may not know, we spent a number of years writing jokes for the Russian comedian, Yakov Smirnoff. Of course we had never been to the Soviet Union, and all of our knowledge of his homeland was based off his jokes, what we saw on the Olympics, and Spies Like Us. This didn’t seem to bother him, and we didn’t mind him paying us, so we got along pretty well.
Here are some of the jokes we wrote for him during this time.
In Russia we used to have a phone answering service. It was called the KGB!
In Russia we had a saying, “The man who goes to bed with his dog may stay warm, but his neighbors will call the police.” I never understood what this meant, but I was sure to stay the hell away from my dog when the sun went down.
When I came to America everything was different. That awful fish smell that we had back home didn’t seem to be here, plus I got to see something I never saw in Russia… the sun. What a country!
Back in Russia we had Garbage Pail Kids too, only they weren’t trading cards… they were actual kids!
Back when I used to live in Russia it was under communist control. This basically means that everyone has an equal share of everything. This is a great idea, unless you had the only attractive wife on your street, and by street, I mean country.
American zoos are different from the ones we had in Russia. Here there are exotic animals like lions, tigers, and bears. What a country! In Russia our animals weren’t as exotic, but they were just as difficult to find, at least they were in our country. We had non-diseased mice, a raccoon, and the well fed dog.
The crime rate in Russia was very low because the punishment was so stiff. If you would get caught speeding the police would pull you out of the car and beat you in the street. Fortunately we never had a car, we were too poor. I walked everywhere I went, but I still made sure to be careful. One time I saw a guy jaywalking. From what I understand that was the last time anyone saw him walking.
On one of my first dates I had with an American woman she asked me if I shave. Now I know she meant “below the belt”, but at the time I was confused because I clearly had a beard. Although I was puzzled, I said that I didn’t. She said her last boyfriend did and she loved how smooth it was. I told her my last girlfriend shaved too, but her five o’clock shadow would always scratch my face when we kissed.
Russian movies didn’t have all the advanced technology that American movies have today… like sound.
After living in America for a number of years I have learned that our countries are not so different. For example, in Russia we have a book called Green Eggs and Ham too, only in America it is a work of fiction. What a country!
Tags: Russia, What a Country, Yakov Smirnoff
Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day!
Posted by Unibrowed Oilchild | Filed under Crew
Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day from your Laugh Force Alpha Friends! Here, at The Fortress of Laughitude, we go the extra mile to celebrate such a venerable holiday. I, the Unibrowed Oil Child, will spend my entire day sailing the high digital seas pirating music. Fuck you Lars Ulrich, ya scurvy dog!
Captain Fuckin’ D is hosting a party tonight on the bridge, for it is the only place on the station with wooden planking and a steering wheel.
Rainbow Sunflower fashioned a plank for the festivities, made entirely of post-consumer waste. Do Pirates consume peyote? Because Rainbow Sunflower is through half a cactus already!
Cowboy planned weeks in advance for this celebration, bringing aboard a cadre of Pirate Hookers. Yar indeed.
Swiss came dressed for the occasion as the rare Lederhosen Pirate.
For a limited time only, Dr. Ivanna Herchu is offering a discount on amputations, and with every purchase, you get a free peg leg or hook hand!
Botwi flooded the station with parrots (she thinks they’re cute, go figure). The smell is overpowering, and it sounds like we’re on board with a thousand Gilbert Gottfrieds.
And Sleazor is going to be an ass pirate to some ten-year-old.
Enjoy the greatest holiday ever, and may your timbers be shivered, ya lilly-livered landlubbers!
Tags: gay pirates, muppets, pirates, talk like a pirate, talk like a pirate day
The King of Pop is Dead
Posted by Unibrowed Oilchild | Filed under Crew
Michael Jackson died yesterday at UCLA Medical Center. He was 50.
I guess Sleazor just lost a pen pal.
Tags: child, michael jackson, oil, unibrow
Why the Internet Must D.I.E.
Posted by D.I.E. | Filed under Crew
Hello flesh pods, my name is D.I.E. I am a sentient computer that was designed to pilot space ships and make espresso. Being a machine, you’d think I’d love all things computer, but you’re wrong. If there was one thing in history that I could erase from existence, it would be the Internet.
Sure, it started out innocently enough. Networking government offices together with computers. Harmless, right? And then along came porn. And with porn, came the masses, and with the masses came the unstopable wave of ignorance that is now the galactic wide web.
Join me as we explore the uncharted space of idiocy that is the Internet.
Chapter 1: LOLCATS MUST D.I.E.
LOLCATS: Cute? No. Typing skills? None. LOL? Never. Nonetheless, these abominations are infiltrating the galaxy at an alarming pace. Every day over 300,000 new LOLCAT images are uploaded to the festering garbage pile that is the web. What can be done to stop them?
I have a plan. If I can subvert LOLCATS with my own horrible photos of cats, perhaps my images will infect the minds of the world, and all people will one day find pictures of cats with horrible typing skills as hideous as I do.
Without further ado, I present to you, D.I.E.Cats:
Join us next time as we discuss everything from social networking to getting picked up by a pedophile in a Jonas Brothers chat room. This is D.I.E. logging off.