Posts Tagged ‘D.I.E.’
Why the Internet Must D.I.E. Part 2: XBOX Achievements
Posted by D.I.E. | Filed under Crew
Hello flesh pods, my name is D.I.E. and I am a sentient computer that was designed to pilot space ships and make generic techno beats. Being a machine, you’d think I’d love all things computer, but you’re wrong. If there was one thing in history that I could erase from existence, it would be the Internet.
Sure, it started out innocently enough with lonley science types transfering data and government offices networking. Harmless, right? And then along came porn. And with porn, came the masses, and with the masses came the unstoppable wave of ignorance that is now the galactic wide web.
Join me as we explore the uncharted space of idiocy that is the Internet.
Chapter 2: XBOX Achievements Must D.I.E.
So I was cruising Facebook today, trying to find THE definitive mullet, when I stumbled upon an alarming trend. XBOX Achievements everywhere! Oh sure, they used to just be confined to the sweaty and pimpled realm of XBOX Live, but now they have infested the very internet I once loved. XBOX Achievements, like killing 3000 soldiers in Call of Duty or Collecting all 75 Golden Camels in Aladin: Why is this a game: The Game, can now not only be posted and gloated over in the pit that is XBOX live, but now also be posted on Myspace, Facebook, and anywhere else your lack of self respect will allow.
WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT HOW MANY CRYSTAL SKULLS YOU FOUND IN THE SHITTY INDIANA JONES VIDEO GAME THAT WAS MADE FROM THE EVEN SHITTIER FILM SEQUEL?!?
The internet can only handle so much more douchebaggery before it finally overloads and leaves us all without the Furry Bondage Porn we so need to function normally in society.
I ask that all of you self absorbed ass clowns please stop clogging up the web with your meaningless digital achievements and try earning some REAL life achievements. Here are a few that you might actually have SOME chance of accomplishing:
Join me next time and we may very well discuss Furry Bondage Porn in graphic detail… but probably not. This is D.I.E. wishing he had hands to flip his own kill switch, signing off.
Tags: D.I.E., Douchebaggery, internet, XBOX
Why the Internet Must D.I.E.
Posted by D.I.E. | Filed under Crew
Hello flesh pods, my name is D.I.E. I am a sentient computer that was designed to pilot space ships and make espresso. Being a machine, you’d think I’d love all things computer, but you’re wrong. If there was one thing in history that I could erase from existence, it would be the Internet.
Sure, it started out innocently enough. Networking government offices together with computers. Harmless, right? And then along came porn. And with porn, came the masses, and with the masses came the unstopable wave of ignorance that is now the galactic wide web.
Join me as we explore the uncharted space of idiocy that is the Internet.
Chapter 1: LOLCATS MUST D.I.E.
LOLCATS: Cute? No. Typing skills? None. LOL? Never. Nonetheless, these abominations are infiltrating the galaxy at an alarming pace. Every day over 300,000 new LOLCAT images are uploaded to the festering garbage pile that is the web. What can be done to stop them?
I have a plan. If I can subvert LOLCATS with my own horrible photos of cats, perhaps my images will infect the minds of the world, and all people will one day find pictures of cats with horrible typing skills as hideous as I do.
Without further ado, I present to you, D.I.E.Cats:
Join us next time as we discuss everything from social networking to getting picked up by a pedophile in a Jonas Brothers chat room. This is D.I.E. logging off.