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LaughForceAlpha » grumpy shit

Posts Tagged ‘grumpy shit’

I Hope You Get Caught in a Propeller… Again!

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Getting old sucks! Like today, I was going out for a morning swim in front of my Lake Okeechobee summer home, when a big gray old woman swam up to me. As she quietly floated there, I thought to myself, “Hmm, this woman smells not so much like fish as she does like some fish died all over her. I’m sold!” It was as good of a time as any to give her a smooch.

Her mustache wasn’t as full as mine, which was a plus, and she wasn’t resisting or calling Med-Alert. How was I supposed to know that I was kissing a manatee? Goddamn Diabetic Retinopathy! At least having Glaucoma would give me bags of that green stuff those flannel-wearing kids keep smoking on my veranda.

Goddamn Commies…

Twitter.com/thegrumpyshit

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Who Can’t Wait for Saturday at 6PM? Me!

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Good news everyone!  The world’s ending tomorrow at 6PM!  That one guy said so, and he hasn’t been wrong in over 15 years.  I haven’t been this excited since I punched out Buzz Aldrin in ‘88!

I’m especially looking forward to the big earthquake!  It may finally shake loose that wad of sunflower seeds and fatback that got lodged in my lower intestine back when Nixon resigned.  While you idiots are panicking and praying to your spaghetti gods, I’ll be laughing behind the wheel of my rascal while I flatten your pets!  I don’t care how floppy and cute their ears are!  Those little shits should know better than to dig in my onion garden!

Twitter.com/thegrumpyshit

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Flannel Died With Kurt Cobain, You Thrift Store Bastards!

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Well, that was unpleasant!  I’m not sure that smell will ever come out.  Kind of like curried garbage.
So, another day, another reason to be grumpy. What about? I’ll tell you what…
Goddamn hipsters!  All I want is to drive my Rascal through the village and get a gyro sandwich, but no!  You asshole hipsters have to be clogging the sidewalk, standing around drinking your goddamn lattés and looking at your fucking phones and not laughing at shit that’s really funny like a bunny farting in its sleep!
You take me to a new level of grumpy!  Get a real job cleaning up high school bathrooms, and get some goddamn character!
Twitter.com/thegrumpyshit

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Hi! Now, Shut Up!

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Respect your elders! You know who doesn’t? Those Laugh Force Alpha jerks! They tricked me into harvesting 50 gallons of highlighter ink, only to throw me a lemon party afterward, so I sued their pants off! Except they liked not wearing pants… so I sued them again! Now they have to let me type whatever I feel like on their stupid website! But right now I feel like that triple-stuffed burrito is forcing its way through me… I’ll be back soon, though, and you better be ready to listen!

Twitter.com/thegrumpyshit

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