Posts Tagged ‘Russia’
We Wrote for a Yakov
Posted by cowboy | Filed under Crew
As some of you may or may not know, we spent a number of years writing jokes for the Russian comedian, Yakov Smirnoff. Of course we had never been to the Soviet Union, and all of our knowledge of his homeland was based off his jokes, what we saw on the Olympics, and Spies Like Us. This didn’t seem to bother him, and we didn’t mind him paying us, so we got along pretty well.
Here are some of the jokes we wrote for him during this time.
In Russia we used to have a phone answering service. It was called the KGB!
In Russia we had a saying, “The man who goes to bed with his dog may stay warm, but his neighbors will call the police.” I never understood what this meant, but I was sure to stay the hell away from my dog when the sun went down.
When I came to America everything was different. That awful fish smell that we had back home didn’t seem to be here, plus I got to see something I never saw in Russia… the sun. What a country!
Back in Russia we had Garbage Pail Kids too, only they weren’t trading cards… they were actual kids!
Back when I used to live in Russia it was under communist control. This basically means that everyone has an equal share of everything. This is a great idea, unless you had the only attractive wife on your street, and by street, I mean country.
American zoos are different from the ones we had in Russia. Here there are exotic animals like lions, tigers, and bears. What a country! In Russia our animals weren’t as exotic, but they were just as difficult to find, at least they were in our country. We had non-diseased mice, a raccoon, and the well fed dog.
The crime rate in Russia was very low because the punishment was so stiff. If you would get caught speeding the police would pull you out of the car and beat you in the street. Fortunately we never had a car, we were too poor. I walked everywhere I went, but I still made sure to be careful. One time I saw a guy jaywalking. From what I understand that was the last time anyone saw him walking.
On one of my first dates I had with an American woman she asked me if I shave. Now I know she meant “below the belt”, but at the time I was confused because I clearly had a beard. Although I was puzzled, I said that I didn’t. She said her last boyfriend did and she loved how smooth it was. I told her my last girlfriend shaved too, but her five o’clock shadow would always scratch my face when we kissed.
Russian movies didn’t have all the advanced technology that American movies have today… like sound.
After living in America for a number of years I have learned that our countries are not so different. For example, in Russia we have a book called Green Eggs and Ham too, only in America it is a work of fiction. What a country!
Tags: Russia, What a Country, Yakov Smirnoff