LFA Historian here, and boy do I have big news.  While shoveling some old Laugh Force Alpha memorabilia into the furnace for warmth today, mostly old Cowboy brand Rectal Thermometers that they took off the market for giving folks mercury poisoning after they shattered in peoples asses, which I do believe every last one did, well it was under all that malarkey that I found a trap door that led to hidden temple filled with horrible booby traps.  Cautiously I descended into the temple.  My Mom came with me.  Well, someone had to make the sandwiches!  Well after riding the cart through the fiery mine shaft, hopscotching the name of Mohamed over the bottomless pit, taking the invisible escalator, and then subsequently being chased by a giant rolling boulder that crushed my Mom, well friends, it was there that I found myself in a secret chamber that held the Holy Grail and an old Frank Jones 8-Track tape.  Well the Knight of the Templar said I could only choose one or the other, so needless to say I hoofed it outta there with a fistful of Super Villain in Training.

You know, Frank Jones was a much different villain years ago.  The Super Villain sketches of yore, or as I like to call them, Frank Jones: The College Years, were less concerned with total world domination, and more obsessed with annoying the general population.  Here’s a clip of  Frank working at the BMV.  I like it!  Why Mom, you haven’t looked THIS thin in years!

Frank Jones: Super Villain in Training - Episode 2: The BMV

Why is everyone on this space station avoiding you? Every time you stumble upon someone, they scatter like cockroaches, giggling and mumbling about Valentine’s Day and medieval weaponry. Hmm. Now you smell something in the air. You’re pretty sure it’s not love…

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Oh, hello again.  I’m your LFA Historian, and right now I’m perfecting my newest invention.  It’s a radio/time machine.  I like it!  What’s it do, ya ask?  You’re just like my mom.  Always nagging me with your questions.

Did you make your bed?  Is the laundry folded into perfect geometric shapes?   Where did you hide my insulin?!?

Well luckily, you’re not my mom, so I WILL answer your question.  Laugh Force Alpha is a comedy institution that’s been producing the ha-ha’s since 1902.  Well unfortunately all the old vinyl recordings were lost in the great thermostat debate of 1927.  This is where MY invention comes into play.  With this baby I can pluck radio waves out of the air anywhere in the galaxy, no matter how old the signal might be.  Well, here goes nothin’!  I present to you, the first LFA sketch ever broadcast.  It’s The Larry Langston’s Lower Lumbar Lube Comedy Hour! (Not really an hour, more like 2 minutes.) ENJOY!

MOM?  Did you just find your insulin?  I should’ve hid it someplace you’d never look… like under the bar of soap.

Larry Langston’s Lower Lumbar Lube Comedy Hour

Something’s wrong.  There has been a significant decline in anger-based activity aboard the Fortress of Laughitude.  The crew hasn’t been this mellow since the time the runoff from Rainbow Sunflower’s hydroponics garden mixed with the drinking water.  Heck, D.I.E. hasn’t even locked you in the Depressurizer lately.  Not that you mind this, but it wouldn’t be a bad idea to find out if this recent good behavior isn’t just to lull you into a false sense of security…

Note: As a holiday present to us, celebrities lent their voices!  No wait, that’s a lie.  They were impersonated, as usual.

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Oh, hi again!  It’s me, your LFA Historian speaking to you from inside the belly of the beast, also known as the Laugh Force Alpha Comedy Vault.  My Mom’s in here somewhere.  I think she might be buried under that giant pile of mini-discs.  Me, I’m wading waist deep though these old cassette tapes.  You know, 99% of the bits on these tapes are absolute crap, which is why I unspool most of ‘em and wrap the tape around my body as if trying to mummify myself. It’s a peculiar fetish, but I like it.  There are, however, some pearls amidst the swine, much like the tape I have for you today.  This one’s SO good, that the mere thought of wrapping this one around my Johnson, fills me with shame not felt since my youth, ogling the ladies in the Sears underwear catalog.  Here’s some more Random Protesting Hippie for ya!  Enjoy! …Mom?  If you’re still alive… make me some Spaghettios!

Random Protesting Hippie: The Case of the Yellow Snow Balls

Random Protesting Hippie: The Carmel Corn Holocaust

Hello flesh pods, my name is D.I.E. and I am a sentient computer that was designed to pilot space ships and make generic techno beats. Being a machine, you’d think I’d love all things computer, but you’re wrong. If there was one thing in history that I could erase from existence, it would be the Internet.

Sure, it started out innocently enough with lonley science types transfering data and government offices networking.  Harmless, right? And then along came porn. And with porn, came the masses, and with the masses came the unstoppable wave of ignorance that is now the galactic wide web.

Join me as we explore the uncharted space of idiocy that is the Internet.

Chapter 2: XBOX Achievements Must D.I.E.

So I was cruising Facebook today, trying to find THE definitive mullet, when I stumbled upon an alarming trend.   XBOX Achievements everywhere!  Oh sure, they used to just be confined to the sweaty and pimpled realm of XBOX Live, but now they have infested the very internet I once loved.  XBOX Achievements, like killing 3000 soldiers in Call of Duty or Collecting all 75 Golden Camels in Aladin: Why is this a game: The Game, can now not only be posted and gloated over in the pit that is XBOX live, but now also be posted on Myspace, Facebook, and anywhere else your lack of self respect will allow.

WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT HOW MANY CRYSTAL SKULLS YOU FOUND IN THE SHITTY INDIANA JONES VIDEO GAME THAT WAS MADE FROM THE EVEN SHITTIER FILM SEQUEL?!?

The internet can only handle so much more douchebaggery before it finally overloads and leaves us all without the Furry Bondage Porn we so need to function normally in society.

I ask that all of you self absorbed ass clowns please stop clogging up the web with your meaningless digital achievements and try earning some REAL life achievements.  Here are a few that you might actually have SOME chance of accomplishing:

Join me next time and we may very well discuss Furry Bondage Porn in graphic detail… but probably not.  This is D.I.E. wishing he had hands to flip his own kill switch, signing off.

Gah! Cripes! Fell into another hole… Is the Fortress of Laughitude that poorly constructed? No, this looks like it has been dug recently by someone who wears a lot of Skin Bracer cologne. Now, what’s that playing over the ship’s intercom system? Sounds like a shrill prospecting tune. Better check it out…

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Every once in a while comes a horror film that redefines the genre, and is so scary that movie theaters give away a free pair of adult diapers with every movie ticket.  This is one of those films.  Made on a shoestring budget of $15,ooo, this terrifying tale has the prolific staying power to even surpass the Saw series.  Check out the trailer for the new twist on terror… TITTY TWISTER!

Titty Twister Trailer

As some of you may or may not know, we spent a number of years writing jokes for the Russian comedian, Yakov Smirnoff. Of course we had never been to the Soviet Union, and all of our knowledge of his homeland was based off his jokes, what we saw on the Olympics, and Spies Like Us. This didn’t seem to bother him, and we didn’t mind him paying us, so we got along pretty well.

Here are some of the jokes we wrote for him during this time.

In Russia we used to have a phone answering service. It was called the KGB!

In Russia we had a saying, “The man who goes to bed with his dog may stay warm, but his neighbors will call the police.” I never understood what this meant, but I was sure to stay the hell away from my dog when the sun went down.

When I came to America everything was different. That awful fish smell that we had back home didn’t seem to be here, plus I got to see something I never saw in Russia… the sun. What a country!

Back in Russia we had Garbage Pail Kids too, only they weren’t trading cards… they were actual kids!

Back when I used to live in Russia it was under communist control. This basically means that everyone has an equal share of everything. This is a great idea, unless you had the only attractive wife on your street, and by street, I mean country.

American zoos are different from the ones we had in Russia. Here there are exotic animals like lions, tigers, and bears. What a country! In Russia our animals weren’t as exotic, but they were just as difficult to find, at least they were in our country. We had non-diseased mice, a raccoon, and the well fed dog.

The crime rate in Russia was very low because the punishment was so stiff. If you would get caught speeding the police would pull you out of the car and beat you in the street. Fortunately we never had a car, we were too poor. I walked everywhere I went, but I still made sure to be careful. One time I saw a guy jaywalking. From what I understand that was the last time anyone saw him walking.

On one of my first dates I had with an American woman she asked me if I shave. Now I know she meant “below the belt”, but at the time I was confused because I clearly had a beard. Although I was puzzled, I said that I didn’t. She said her last boyfriend did and she loved how smooth it was. I told her my last girlfriend shaved too, but her five o’clock shadow would always scratch my face when we kissed.

Russian movies didn’t have all the advanced technology that American movies have today… like sound.

After living in America for a number of years I have learned that our countries are not so different. For example, in Russia we have a book called Green Eggs and Ham too, only in America it is a work of fiction. What a country!