One from the vaults…
Posted by characters | Filed under Characters
Oh hello there! It’s the Laugh Force Alpha Historian here, speaking to you live from a secret vault 13 miles below the moon’s surface. My mom lives here with me. It’s my job to archive the thousands of lost LFA classics and then bring YOU the cream of the crap. It’s a decent life. My mom’s baking a broccoli cheese casserole. I like it! Here’s something else I like, it’s a dusty old CD-R containing an episode of Random Protesting Hippie. I found it holding up the short leg of an old ping pong table. Enjoy! …MOM! Did you put mushrooms in the casserole? Cause if you did, I hope you enjoy explosive decompression!
Random Protesting Hippie: The Carmel Corn Holocaust
Tags: Carmel Corn, Random Protesting Hippie, Some Old Bullsh*t
Why the Internet Must D.I.E. Part 2: XBOX Achievements
Posted by D.I.E. | Filed under Crew
Hello flesh pods, my name is D.I.E. and I am a sentient computer that was designed to pilot space ships and make generic techno beats. Being a machine, you’d think I’d love all things computer, but you’re wrong. If there was one thing in history that I could erase from existence, it would be the Internet.
Sure, it started out innocently enough with lonley science types transfering data and government offices networking. Harmless, right? And then along came porn. And with porn, came the masses, and with the masses came the unstoppable wave of ignorance that is now the galactic wide web.
Join me as we explore the uncharted space of idiocy that is the Internet.
Chapter 2: XBOX Achievements Must D.I.E.
So I was cruising Facebook today, trying to find THE definitive mullet, when I stumbled upon an alarming trend. XBOX Achievements everywhere! Oh sure, they used to just be confined to the sweaty and pimpled realm of XBOX Live, but now they have infested the very internet I once loved. XBOX Achievements, like killing 3000 soldiers in Call of Duty or Collecting all 75 Golden Camels in Aladin: Why is this a game: The Game, can now not only be posted and gloated over in the pit that is XBOX live, but now also be posted on Myspace, Facebook, and anywhere else your lack of self respect will allow.
WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT HOW MANY CRYSTAL SKULLS YOU FOUND IN THE SHITTY INDIANA JONES VIDEO GAME THAT WAS MADE FROM THE EVEN SHITTIER FILM SEQUEL?!?
The internet can only handle so much more douchebaggery before it finally overloads and leaves us all without the Furry Bondage Porn we so need to function normally in society.
I ask that all of you self absorbed ass clowns please stop clogging up the web with your meaningless digital achievements and try earning some REAL life achievements. Here are a few that you might actually have SOME chance of accomplishing:
Join me next time and we may very well discuss Furry Bondage Porn in graphic detail… but probably not. This is D.I.E. wishing he had hands to flip his own kill switch, signing off.
Tags: D.I.E., Douchebaggery, internet, XBOX
Episode 4: Extra-Terrestrial Bondage
Posted by Unibrowed Oilchild | Filed under Podcasts
Gah! Cripes! Fell into another hole… Is the Fortress of Laughitude that poorly constructed? No, this looks like it has been dug recently by someone who wears a lot of Skin Bracer cologne. Now, what’s that playing over the ship’s intercom system? Sounds like a shrill prospecting tune. Better check it out…
iTunes
Podtrac Player
Tags: alien, cocaine pushing scotsman, cock gobblers, episode 4, midgets in space, podcast, slurpy
Terror… With a New Twist
Posted by Unibrowed Oilchild | Filed under Characters
Every once in a while comes a horror film that redefines the genre, and is so scary that movie theaters give away a free pair of adult diapers with every movie ticket. This is one of those films. Made on a shoestring budget of $15,ooo, this terrifying tale has the prolific staying power to even surpass the Saw series. Check out the trailer for the new twist on terror… TITTY TWISTER!
Tags: horror, paranormal activity, saw, titty, twister
We Wrote for a Yakov
Posted by cowboy | Filed under Crew
As some of you may or may not know, we spent a number of years writing jokes for the Russian comedian, Yakov Smirnoff. Of course we had never been to the Soviet Union, and all of our knowledge of his homeland was based off his jokes, what we saw on the Olympics, and Spies Like Us. This didn’t seem to bother him, and we didn’t mind him paying us, so we got along pretty well.
Here are some of the jokes we wrote for him during this time.
In Russia we used to have a phone answering service. It was called the KGB!
In Russia we had a saying, “The man who goes to bed with his dog may stay warm, but his neighbors will call the police.” I never understood what this meant, but I was sure to stay the hell away from my dog when the sun went down.
When I came to America everything was different. That awful fish smell that we had back home didn’t seem to be here, plus I got to see something I never saw in Russia… the sun. What a country!
Back in Russia we had Garbage Pail Kids too, only they weren’t trading cards… they were actual kids!
Back when I used to live in Russia it was under communist control. This basically means that everyone has an equal share of everything. This is a great idea, unless you had the only attractive wife on your street, and by street, I mean country.
American zoos are different from the ones we had in Russia. Here there are exotic animals like lions, tigers, and bears. What a country! In Russia our animals weren’t as exotic, but they were just as difficult to find, at least they were in our country. We had non-diseased mice, a raccoon, and the well fed dog.
The crime rate in Russia was very low because the punishment was so stiff. If you would get caught speeding the police would pull you out of the car and beat you in the street. Fortunately we never had a car, we were too poor. I walked everywhere I went, but I still made sure to be careful. One time I saw a guy jaywalking. From what I understand that was the last time anyone saw him walking.
On one of my first dates I had with an American woman she asked me if I shave. Now I know she meant “below the belt”, but at the time I was confused because I clearly had a beard. Although I was puzzled, I said that I didn’t. She said her last boyfriend did and she loved how smooth it was. I told her my last girlfriend shaved too, but her five o’clock shadow would always scratch my face when we kissed.
Russian movies didn’t have all the advanced technology that American movies have today… like sound.
After living in America for a number of years I have learned that our countries are not so different. For example, in Russia we have a book called Green Eggs and Ham too, only in America it is a work of fiction. What a country!
Tags: Russia, What a Country, Yakov Smirnoff