The Crew
Swiss
Life began in the Alps for the LFA Chief of Hospitality. His parents, Turg and Sascha came from watchmakers and professional Intergalactic Hornussen players respectively. Swiss and his family emigrated to America when he was only four months old, and there he began a very normal American life. Swiss learned the art and science of clock design from his father and became obsessed with building and fixing clocks through adulthood. One fateful day, sporting a dark tan from a relaxing week at the beach, he decided to personally deliver an Acme-themed “Bomb Clock” to a distant grandson of General Norman Schwarzkopf (who is secretly a big fan of Wile E. Coyote). Homeplanet Security seized his new creation at the spaceport terminal and, noticing his bronzed complexion, arrested him on terrorist charges. Swiss attempted to contact Schwarzkopf to prove his innocence, but was unsuccessful (it was later determined that he was just on the john when the authorities called). Swiss was therefore banished to the Fortress of Laughitude after three months in solitary confinement, during which he lost his tan, and there he remains for our enjoyment.
D.I.E.
D.I.E., or Digital Interface for Exploration, was created by Dr. Julius Scraffenberger as the world’s first Artificial Intelligence for space travel. It was heralded as the greatest invention of our time, and soon became a standard feature in all spaceships built by ‘The Big 3′: Chrystar, General Spaceships, and Fjord. Unfortunately, the D.I.E. systems eventually became sentient and began turning on their own crews. This prompted the largest recall in space exploration history. All but a handful of ships using the D.I.E. systems were either reprogrammed or scrapped. Those that escaped destruction, should be considered armed, dangerous, and completely unwilling to participate in the office softball league, no matter how badly we needed a shortstop.
Dr. Ivanna Herchu
Born Susan Greenblatt, our ship’s doctor began her meteoric rise at the Harvard School of Intergalactic Medicine, where she graduated at the top of her class. In only five years, she became a highly sought-after plastic surgeon to the Universe’s elite. As her notoriety increased, so too did her disdain toward her fellow man. She finally lost her license when it came to light that she gave anesthesia only to those patients who could best her at “rock, paper, scissors.” Greenblatt then went underground, using all the money she had to acquire a black market medical license under the name Dr. Ivanna Herchu.
Sleazor
Found inside a particularly gooey meteorite, Sleazor - a slimemanoid of unknown intergalactic origins - emerged from his sticky prison and found himself very, very hungry. Sleazor spent the next 27 years of his life secretly devouring children and, when pickings were slim, the occasional midget. Becoming obsessed with internet chat rooms, Sleazor was finally caught in the act one night at home where he was told a group of underage children were basting themselves with barbeque sauce. Upon arriving, he was confronted by Chris Hanson and a camera crew. However, due to a misinterpretation of his chat logs, he was charged not with attempted murder, but attempted lewd conduct with a minor. Once paroled, Sleazor tried to live a normal life, but being required to divulge his criminal record to all of his neighbors and stay no fewer than 100 yards away from playgrounds left him ostracized and hungry. Ultimately, Sleazor volunteered to join the crew of Laugh Force Alpha. Because what happens in geosynchronous orbit, stays in geosynchronous orbit.
Fuckin’ D
Not everyone has been exiled to the Fortress of Laughitude by popular demand. In the case of Captain Donovan Bohunk, he was banished due to the influence of a few jealous U.N. generals. After six months of leading U.N. Coalition forces to consecutive military victories in Stankonia and Yuzpoopistan, Donovan amassed such a substantial following of loyal soldiers and scantly-clad female admirers, that his less successful and homely superior officers became steadily more insecure, often muttering under their breaths, “That Fuckin’ D.”
During the next six months, Donovan’s forces continued to triumph, this time in Bloatovia, and his jealous superiors finally decided to “take out the trash…and take Fuckin’ D with them.” The dumping ground was none other than the Fortress of Laughitude. Once on the station, Donovan initially tried to whip the band of miscreants into fighting shape, but they decided to ignore the orders of “that Fuckin’ D guy.” Now, Fuckin’ D spends his time alone on the bridge, answering the fan mail of his countless female admirers and turning the station’s steering wheel with his crotch.
Unibrowed Oilchild
Since luge-ing out of his mother’s fallopian tubes and promptly urinating on the obstetrician, the Unibrowed Oil Child has been nothing but trouble. Perpetually surly, sadistic, and soiled, his run-ins with authority figures and talcum powder led to numerous imprisonments and aroma therapy sessions. What ultimately exiled him to the Fortress of Laughitude was a crime so heinous and ludicrous that we dare not mention the specifics. Let’s just say that it involved Andy Rooney, Zachary Quinto, Frida Kahlo, Colin Farrell, Joe Flacco, and Penelope Cruz stacked like Guantanamo Bay prisoners, a straightedge razor, and a battle cry of “There can be only one!”
On the Fortress of Laughitude, the Unibrowed Oil Child didn’t contribute all that much to the comedic research other than relentlessly verbally abusing Sleazor until he figured out how to bypass the child safety locks on the ship’s turbolaser batteries and turpentine storage closet. Now, he still doesn’t contribute much to the cause, but there are many more fires in the Earth’s atmosphere and fires onboard the ship.
Rainbow Sunflower
Life began for Rainbow Sunflower at an intergalactic hippie commune outpost near Saturn called “Woodstock 3000″. Her father, Thomas Richards (known by his friends as Maple Yardbird) recalls that when he heard an ancient recording of Ravi Shankar playing Raga Manj Kmahaj, he felt inspired to take the hand of a young, and very intoxicated, Mary Margaret Gussey (AKA Goodly Moonbeam). They sought shelter from the cosmic rays under a makeshift sanctum, and it was there amidst over 500,000 hippies that life began for Rainbow Sunflower. When she was born the following May, her parents baptized her in a pool of water derived from ice chunks in the rings of Saturn, and blessed her (both being self-proclaimed Space Bodhisattvas) with patchouli and hemp seed oils for her journey into life. Throughout her childhood, she could be found frolicking through nearby hydroponic wheat fields with bindweed flowers in her long, blond, unwashed locks.
She graduated from the now defunct Bohemia College with a triple major in Philosophy, Cosmic Environmental Studies and 18th Century Taoist Literature (at the request of her parents). She has since volunteered with the Interplanetary Peace Corps, organized toxic landfill protests and raised Space Hibiscus, all while living off of a trust fund from the success of her parents’ very successful Alpha Centauri head shop. After DEA agents swarmed her compound dubbed “Gillyland” and seized 57 Cannabis sativa plants hidden in her greenhouses, she was arrested and tried for marijuana cultivation. Upon convincing the district judge that the plants were for her own use—rather than give her jail time he ordered her banished to the Fortress of Laughitude where she now consults on hydroponic agriculture and proper waste disposal.
Cowboy
Born the child of two migrant workers, Cowboy grew up in the state of New Mexico. When he wasn’t picking crops in sweltering heat, he was learning how to ride and tame horses in the sweltering heat. At the age of 17 he realized the life of a migrant worker bit ass, and became a ranch hand at the Carson Villas Dude Ranch. By day Cowboy taught tourist how to rope cattle and ride horses, and by night he taught them how to ride something else… mostly his dick.
After using up every tourist in the Southwestern United States, he quit his job at the ranch to join the Angel Fire Rodeo, and dominated every bronco to cross his path. Cowboy enjoyed every minute of his life with Angel Fire, until an overzealous fan nailed him in the back of the skull with a wooden plank.
Suffering from severe head trauma, Cowboy left the rodeo and traveled to Colorado in an attempt to ride The Denver Broncos. When he discovered they were an NFL team and not real broncos, the lariat whipping man spent the next several years traveling the country confused by what to do next.
Then, fate smiled upon Cowboy when he learned about Laugh Force Alpha in the now defunct erotic encounters section on Craigslist.com. Once again life seemed to have a purpose, and he was presented with a new challenge: space broncos. Upon learning there were no such thing as space broncos, Cowboy decided to stay on the space station in hopes of finding an alien woman to practice the act of making babies.
Botwi
Dr. Englebert Melvin was a lonely man. Just look at his name. To combat this loneliness, he decided to build a female robot. She was powered by sugar and spice and… the 436x fission particle accelerant reactor made by Scroteco™. Dr. Melvin named her Gladys and programmed her to love him. She named herself Botwi and reprogrammed herself to love cute things. Since there wasn’t much cute about liver spots and parchment-like flesh, Botwi soon left Dr. Melvin to chase a Pomeranian.
Unbeknownst to Botwi, the Pomeranian was a robot as well, designed to lure her to the rocket bound for the Fortress of Laughitude. Once aboard the space station, the crew tried to get her to take on the role of mechanic, but she plugged into hellokitty.com and all bets were off. Now, the crew’s only hope of getting any repairs done by Botwi is to trick her into thinking that she is repairing something cute.